Oprah

So tonight I felt a little inspired by Newsweek. The truth is my inspiration came from Oprah. Damnit. I always pretend I’m not one of those women who idolize her… but I totally am. Another thing that is true about me is that I get in these weird moods late at night where I feel emotions more deeply (which isn't something that should be possible, considering how emotional my days have been lately, but i digress...) My mother has always attributed this to tiredness, but I secretly hope it has more to do with purity and truth. Things seem clear at night. So clear that I don't know that I even care how valid the truths are... it's a feeling, a freedom. It's a time where it's just me, it's not about anyone else or what's in anyone else's head.

At night I start believing in myself… I read a book or watch a tv show… and I secretly think “I can do that.” It's like i get this little piece of my youth back. When I’m all alone, I have remarkably high self-confidence… it’s just when I’m around others that I find doubt. I hate this about myself. This feeling is one of the reasons I’m not attempting a career as an actor. Too much direct scrutiny. It’s ok if I feel confident, but it is not ok to let others know I feel confident… because what if I’m wrong and I end up on the American-Idol-bad-Audition-Reel of life. I just don’t know that I trust myself. I want to, but I don’t. Not when it is me against them. Eh, what is this?

part 2: who i am.
I'd love to write a book called "who i am." it's something i'd like to be an expert in - both as the statement applies to me, but also how it applies to millions of people (women) who don't know who they are. so few people know themselves deeply. Especially me. I wish. I'm trying to survey reality and see where I fit it, but I acknowledge that this method has yet to work, and might not be a very logical method of finding one's niche. I have hints, but they sit in my head like hundreds of unread emails. I get the gist from the subject line, but I can't yet be bothered to tackle through the text. All of this being said, there are some things I know:

1) I want to matter, make a difference, influence progress in society, lead by example, and help others avoid negative experiences I've fallen into.

2) I want to know what is going on, I want to control myself, I do not want to make mistakes... there are too many other things that can and will go wrong in this world that I have no control over... So i want to know the universal truths as they apply to my finely tuned reality.

3) I want to be focused on a specific, carefully chosen goal so that my efforts might hope to have positive results instead of just general progress.

4) I want to be exceptional.

and i obviously want to be happy... but i don't even want to waste time with that because it's a throw-away.

and now i've got to get back to my sudoku.